Uncomfortable

My brother and I talked this morning.  He told me about his transitioning friend.  I don’t remember her name, and I had to  re ask: “she’s transgender?”  

“I’ve only ever known her as ‘she’,” he responded.   “She’s got a long way to go.”

I asked if she had a good support system.  He sort of laughed and said no.  Telling her about his trans sibling, a la me, seemed to help her a bit, though.

Talking about my own trans-ness is still uncomfortable for me, but I know it’s important for that reason.

It’s not about me anymore.

I repeat.  

It’s not about me anymore.  

Just like my guitar teacher/mentor telling me the same thing as we were talking a few years ago about how I was expanding as a musician, playing more gigs and stuff.  Meaning, I play and sing now to entertain, and sometimes the crowd wants more, even though I may have a little stage freight.

It’s not about me anymore.  

I’m a channel for the music.  No pun intended.

I’m a channel for trans bravery.  A role model.  So that’s why I’ll force myself to talk about being trans, even though I’m uncomfortable or shy or unsure.  

The Best Feeling in the World

When you do that thing that you think you can’t do, in Eleanor Roosevelt’s words…

That thing that you are most afraid of, once you do it, you find yourself on the other side.  And it’s the self that’s true, that you fought so hard for.

You’re given the keys to the kingdom. 

And the best part is, you gifted the keys to yourself.

That’s the best feeling in the world.

A Musician’s Mantra

If Cookie Monster were a busker, would he get paid in cookies or coins?  

Neither would directly sustain him.

But at least the cookies are edible.

When I make my living as a musician, coins will not sustain me.  Love will.  Passion.  Hunger.

Hunger?

It will make me strong.  Make me want more of getting up everyday just to strum for other people on the streets, in the clubs, in my heart, in the schools, on the stages, and the myriad of other locations I choose and the world chooses for me.

Over Her

I have to skeedadle on making my dreams come true.  But I wanted to talk about how my head is soooooo far behind my heart.  My heart is happy.  My heart is over her.  I can tell because it feels light, not heavy.  That’s the sign, right?

It’s just my head that keeps imagining life with her, or at least how she comes crawling back to me.

I really wish I could just get her out of my head.

I need a new woman to obsess over.  

I’m rolling my eyes now…

Rejection Ramblings part 2

I’m ready to have another adventurous heart on my journey with me!  I won’t settle for anything less.  Truly, in love two people should be in awe of one another, saying things like “i get to wake up and be with this person”.  Get to…. Like “we GET  to be a ripple in the water.”  Just by being grateful for being alive. It’s an honor, a privilege, sacred…. What we deserve.  And I’m not gonna be with anyone less.  That’s not saying that the other person is less, but I would be less for them, too.

I’m ready for the one who helps keep lit my soul, my life, my heart, my skin, my person, my smile, that is already on fire, because I set it on fire.

And now Berlin is realer for me.  yes, I messed that up on purpose. 

Maybe she didn’t mess it up by thinking too much.  Maybe I did.  But the right one will encourage me to write more and do more to channel that thinking.  And the hottie in my bed only a few weeks ago didn’t do that.  Instead, I worried about how she felt because I didn’t hear from her.  I waisted my imagination on her instead of my dreams.  The right one will help me channel my imagination for my dreams!

Thanks for the lesson, hot woman!  Good luck with your dreams!

Rejection Ramblings

She fuckin’ broke up with me again.  Twice.  Yeah.. again.  And I was desperate enough to type back to her, “uh… if you change your mind, call me.”  Um yeah, Cec.  LOL.  I’m just gonna laugh it off.  She told me twice essentially that she doesn’t want me, nay, she’s not READY for me.  Or as that Sarah Snow person would say, she’s not ready for herself.  That’s true.  

I’m so thankful for my friend, Thomas!  He built me up right when I needed it most.  :).  He said, it sounds like she’s not ready.  If she tells you in the beginning, it takes a long time to fall in love, she’s probably not ready.  There shouldn’t be an expiration date on a burgeoning romance.  But man, if the sex wasn’t awesome…

But I want more than that.  And I know it.  I’m ready for the one I can go on adventures with, both at home and on the streets, and in our minds.  

She’s either gonna be a great love or a great story…

So if she ever calls and says let’s try again.  I’m gonna say no… hopefully.  haha.  That haha doesn’t truly say I what I want it to.  It doesn’t capture my lightheartedness.  And if I can find lightheartedness two days after she dumped me, well, I guess she was never the right one for me.  

If I am using up my imagination worrying about whether or not she feels the same way about me, that is love holding me back.  Love shouldn’t hold me back.  She should free me.

And, Cec: 

THE RIGHT ONE WILL STAY WITH YOU ANYWAY.

Last night I dreamt that she was touching me.  Oh, how I ached for her when I woke up this morning.  Her soft skin, her warm hands.  Her memory.  

But I know I can wait for the Love that I truly deserve, and bypass all that other lust.  Because I know that to be fuck buddies wouldn’t work.  I’d eventually want more than she could give.

I’m just craving her, and like any other wanting, I can wait patiently for, save up mentally, soulfully, habitually, for the BIG ONE.  The love my heart craves.  And all that other body and mind stuff will follow in kind.

Even Crossword Puzzles Show Me The Way

My morning crossword puzzle can tell a truth, if I listen.  I fill in a word to a given clue, and it turns out later to be the wrong answer, but the mere momentum gained from filling in something, anything, drives me forward to fill in more answers.  It gives me the bravery, the audacity, to venture a guess to the clues before me, even in pen.

Oh, yeah, I do my crossword puzzles in pen, but that’s a story for another day.  Perhaps, though it’ll fit into this theme today.  We’ll see…

So the metaphor is in life, in our adventures, in our daily buzzing around trying to get stuff done,  take a risk, make a decision.  Even the wrong one can lead you where you need to go.

Our Inherent Wisdom

That title sounds cheesy, or it’s all been said before.  Probably not in mainstream press though.  Trust that little voice inside of you.  Be still and know.  Dad sagely instructed me in my teenage years, “knock and the door shall be opened unto you.”  He did that, quoted the wisdom of Jesus a lot.  He also told a lot of jokes…

So I woke up this morning with this mantra running through my head, well, I had to force it in my head, then repeat to get it up and running…

“Money is not security.  Faith in yourself is.”

Faith in my resourcefulness, my imagination, my brain.  Like Dr. Suess’s “You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself any direction you choose.”

The wisdom’s in the book.  The wisdom’s in us.  All along.  It’s that small voice in the back of my head that told me to finally come out as transgender, and it’s as simple as telling loved ones to call me “he” instead of “she,” and doing that would make me feel better.  And it did.

But that didn’t happen until after a year of fighting with myself on the pros and cons of coming out.

It’s that voice that instructed me to come up with a set list of my own songs and practice them, as if I were rehearsing for an actual gig (of my original stuff, instead of just doing covers of other people’s work).

And then a few months later, I performed that set list at a local coffee shop open mic.

Then, I performed more over the summer….

Then I decided to quit my day job to follow my dream of writing and performing my own songs.  To inspire the world and myself.  To hopefully make a little money to support myself and drink my coffee in the morning.

That’s all I ask when I’m knocking on the door.

 

 

11-18-14

We are ellipses

gather moments

we miss these

frying times

trying pines

growing

into the dark

Don’t wanna face

the internal

outer space

I am empty

dawdling

but alive

The anxiety in me

Pema says

crawling

sprawling

soft spots

open hearts

shared ones

vulnerable suns

shine on us all

At last

at most

we toast

the heartbreak…

Yeah!

10/10/14

don’t leave me alone

to think about you

because I won’t stop

you are one

of many

in my ruminations

not the first

nor the last

but the most beautiful?

maybe…